Why Does He Do That? Understanding Control, Abuse, and Red Flags
Most people imagine abuse as bruises, shouting, and visible damage.
But in the real world, abuse begins long before there is anything to point to —
in silence, in pressure, in small concessions that become patterns.
Abuse is not a single moment.
It is a system — built slowly, disguised as love, and held in place by control.
Understanding it is not about blaming victims.
It is about naming the behavior, so people can see it early —
and leave before it becomes survival.
Abuse Is About Control — Not Anger
Domestic-violence research — including decades of work by counselor and researcher Lundy Bancroft — shows a consistent truth:
Abusive behavior is not caused by “temper.” It is driven by belief.
The belief that:
“I am entitled to control you.”
“Your life should revolve around me.”
“You owe me access, attention, approval.”
Abusers are not out of control —
they are in control, and using behavior strategically to maintain power.
It Starts Quietly — Almost Invisibly
Domestic abuse rarely begins with violence.
It begins with isolation and erosion of self.
Common early red-flag patterns include (National Domestic Violence Hotline & CDC data):
Monitoring where you are, who you’re with, or your phone
Subtle criticism disguised as “help”
Jealousy framed as affection
Pressure to move fast — relationship, moving in, sharing finances
“You’re overreacting” becoming a repeated script
Making you feel responsible for their feelings or behavior
Control often sounds like:
“I just want to know you’re safe.”
“I’m the only one who really cares about you.”
“I don’t like who you are around your friends.”
“You’re making me act this way.”
The language is soft —
the impact is sharp.
Red Flags Aren’t Alarms — They’re Injuries to Autonomy
A red flag is not a color.
It is a shift in the nervous system:
You stop laughing freely.
You second-guess your tone.
You hide pieces of your life to avoid a reaction.
You begin managing someone else’s emotions more than your own.
This is what coercive-control research calls “shrinking.”
You become smaller
so someone else can feel bigger.
Why People Stay — The Psychology No One Talks About
Leaving is not a question of strength.
It is a question of fear, survival, and attachment.
Victim-advocacy research identifies common barriers:
Fear of escalated retaliation
Financial dependence
Children
Isolation from support
Shame
Hope it will “go back to how it was in the beginning”
And perhaps most powerfully:
Trauma bonding — intermittent reinforcement where kindness and cruelty cycle unpredictably.
The nervous system clings to “good moments”
to survive the bad.
This is physiology.
Not weakness.
Why Awareness Matters — Even If It’s Not Your Story
Most people believe:
“I would never let that happen to me.”
But coercive behavior is not obvious when you’re inside it.
It is gradual — like a room getting darker one hour at a time.
Awareness is not judgment.
It is protection —
for you
for your sister
for your friend
for the student who hasn’t said anything yet
for the adult sitting in class because they finally decided to live differently
What Protection Looks Like
Protection is not confrontation.
It is clarity.
Clarity that says:
If someone needs to make you small to feel big —
that is not love.
If someone makes you afraid of your own voice —
that is not partnership.
If someone consistently crosses boundaries —
you do not need proof to leave.
Abuse thrives where people doubt themselves.
Safety begins the moment someone decides:
My life is mine.
A Final Thought
Understanding abuse is not about diagnosing other people.
It is about recognizing
when your nervous system whispers:
“This is not safety.”
Self-defense is not only what you do with your hands.
It is what you allow with your life.
Sometimes the bravest act of protection
is simply walking toward the light
before the darkness feels normal.
California Defense Academy – Murrieta, CA
Krav Maga | Self-Defense | Boundary & Awareness Education
Serving Murrieta, Temecula, Menifee, Wildomar, Lake Elsinore, Canyon Lake
